Over-functioning, or for those fellow word nerds out there, I love the newer term “Super-autonomous self-sufficiency” coined by trauma expert Gabor Mate. These terms are used to describe people who are fiercely independent, never ask for help no matter how desperately in need they might be, tend to be perfectionists with high expectations of themselves and others, and even find themselves organizing and guiding the tasks of other people in their lives. Just hearing these terms you might already be thinking to yourself “I’m not sure what that it is, but it sounds like it could be me” So today lets talk about over-functioning and super-autonomous self-sufficiency and how that might be impacting your life.

People who are over-functioning and are overly-independent might find themselves doing some of the following:

• Saying yes to new projects when already overwhelmed.

• Managing your partner’s schedule for them out of the belief they can’t do it.

• Doing a task for someone at work or home because you know you can do it better/faster.

• Feeling self-judgement or anxiety about asking for help even though you can’t possibly do it on your own.

• Expecting yourself to be emotionally strong during hard times.

• Becoming impatient with your kids or partner for not completing chores the same way or as well as you would.

• Believing that needing others is a weakness.

• Being really hard on yourself for making mistakes.

If you said yes to some of these you might be in good company with other hyper-independent, over-functioners.

How does this develop?

There are a few different factors in a person’s life that can lead to this:

1. Attachment Type: For many this started with they way they were parented. For those who’s parents had a dismissive style, high expectations, were low in providing nurturing or didn’t readily respond to their needs can develop what’s called an ambivalent attachment type (see Attachment 101 for more on this) The message children learn from this type of parenting is “I can’t rely on others to meet my needs and therefor I don’t need anyone, I can do it myself and I can do it perfectly” This results in difficulty with accepting help, understanding one’s own emotional needs as well as a perfectionist streak.

2. Trauma: For people who have survived trauma it’s very normal for that to result in a change in the way someone views the world. Depending on the nature of the experience and how a person makes sense of it many people develop a belief that its unsafe to rely on others and/or its unsafe to make a mistake. This belief system then results in that “super-autonomous self-sufficiency”

3. Anxiety: Feelings of anxiety can also fuel over-functioning. If you’re worried about other people not getting things right or anxious about a lack of time or other resources just taking over and doing it yourself can help ease those anxious feelings. Before you know it you just find yourself taking over everything because it feels like the only option in that moment.

So why is this a bad thing?

On the surface it sounds like I’m describing something really good here. Super-autonomous self-sufficient, over-functioners are reliable, they work well independently, are amazing planners and accomplish a lot. And its true, these are the high-achievers of the world who get it done! In many ways this way of showing up gets reinforced as a good thing (though that reinforcement can often mean taking on even more responsibility in the form of promotions or friends/family asking for help with their own projects) However, unlike people who are simply high-achievers, over-functioners find that their lives are wildly out of balance. There’s no personal time, no down time, no room for things that bring joy. Stress levels feel unmanageable and sometimes a person’s physical health is sacrificed to get it all done. Even relationships with kids and partners can be conflicted. Over-functioners often describe feeling resentful that they are taking on more and getting less help and are understandably bitter about it. Overall this is a recipe for feeling burned out, anxious, unhappy and exhausted.

The good news is that you don’t have to live this way forever. You can learn to keep the good, high-achieving parts of this while bringing the extremes into better balance. It starts with just noticing where you fall on this spectrum and then maybe experimenting with different boundaries. If this is a result of past attachment or trauma experiences, getting support to make sense of those experiences reduces the impact they have on your day-to-day life and helps people change their old patterns. Even though the super-autonomous self-sufficient part of you might be telling you otherwise you don’t have to solve this on your own. Feel free to reach out here to connect.