Sometimes in life we experience stressful things that we didn’t expect, don’t want and have little to no say in. It could be a personal experience like divorce, the loss of a job or the death of a loved one, or something in the world around us such as a natural disaster or political upheaval. No matter what you might have experienced this can be quite traumatic. It’s normal during these times to feel like the world has come crashing down and be overwhelmed with sadness, anger or fear. When things around us feel out of control it can be helpful to focus on what is still in our control and build a better tomorrow. Read on to get some ideas on how you can start to control what you can when things feel out of control.

Why Focus on Control?

One of our mind’s main tasks is to keep us safe. If you think about human’s living conditions when our brains were first evolving our world was much less predictable. It was common to be killed by a large animal, be poisoned by rancid food, suffer from starvation or be seriously harmed by our harsh living conditions. So our brains became wired to predict what will happen next in order to protect us in a dangerous world. Even though our surroundings are generally more safe than they were back then our brains are still constantly on the look out for our safety. When life takes an unexpected or tragic turn our brains read that lack of ability to predict what happened and the uncertainty of what comes next as a threat to our very existence. But if we can find ways to feel like we have some kind of way taking control- even if it seems small or inconsequential- that part of our mind that is trying to keep us safe will be soothed and we can start to re-gain our sense of balance in the face of hardship.

So What Can I Control?

The answer to this will be different for everyone. It’s unique to personal circumstances, time, energy levels, resources, etc. It starts with thinking about your different spheres of influence. You can picture your ability to influence the world around you as one of those Russian nesting dolls where each one sits inside of the next and slowly gets larger. That first core doll is you, and as each doll gets bigger the less influence or bandwidth for trying to control things you’ll have. Lets look at each layer and some ideas around what you might try.

1. You: When thinking of what you can control it always starts with you. Even if the world or your emotions feel out of control you can always control what you do with it. This could look like taking extra good care of yourself, giving yourself permission to feel your grief but balance it with moments of joy, giving yourself a break from news or social media, responding to others in a way that fits your values, or preparing yourself for the worst while holding on to hope for the best.

2. Your Household: If your household includes other people or has some limitations, you’ll have a little less influence here than over just yourself. However, some things you still can control might be setting up an environment that feels welcoming, warm and rejuvenating. You might talk about your feelings, concerns and hopes with your family or housemates. Many parents find it empowering to focus on supporting their children and ensuring they pass their values down to them.

3. Friends and extended family: This might be a space where you allow those who care about you to support you and in cases of collective trauma you can feel in control by supporting them back. We are designed to heal from trauma with our community, so though the impulse to withdraw can be strong during these times make sure that is in balance with reaching out to your supports as well.

4. Your local community: You get to control how you interact with your community. That might look like joining a cause you care about, connecting with a colleague, smiling at a stranger or contacting your city council about improvements in your neighborhood.

5. Your national/global community: This is another place where you might find an issue you care about and use what’s within your ability, interests and skills to advocate through volunteerism, donations or activism.

Sometimes you’ll find yourself more limited in your energy levels, abilities or resources and can only focus on that first Russian doll; you. It might not feel like the right fit for you to broaden all the way out to that last sphere of influence, or even half way out. That’s okay. You’ll find the control you can that fits for where you currently are in each moment. No matter where you are with this remember you are not meant to recover on your own. It takes a community. If you’re not sure where to start with building your community through tough times feel free to connect here.