What is narcissistic abuse?
The term "narcissistic abuse" is something I’m hearing people I work with talk about more than ever. Information online has helped so many people recognize that even if they were never physically harmed by a partner, the same power and control dynamics that exist in domestic violence played a big role in their relationship. Partners and children of of narcissistic abusers often talk about feeling confused, anxious, angry and emotionally drained, even years later. So what is narcissistic abuse and how can it impact survivors?
Narcissistic abuse refers to the ways a person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, or traits of the diagnosis interact in relationships. The term is often used to describe romantic relationships but these traits can also surface in friendships or supervisory relationships and have a massive impact on parent-child relationships. Click here to learn more about what it means to have Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Relationship Patterns-
Many of my clients have found that the following dynamics ring true for them:
Gaslighting: This is a tactic used to make a person question their own reality. The abuser will deny things they said or did making the other person “feel crazy.” They might also change the story of what happened to make themselves look better. The end result is that the survivor doubts their own intuition, memory and perceptions. This can make it really hard to understand that what you’re going through is not your fault.
Blaming: Narcissistic abusers will often blame others for their own shortcomings or mistakes. They are unable to take responsibility for their actions and project their own flaws onto others. I’m amazed at how frequently my clients tell me their partner was accusing them of cheating when the narcissistic partner was actually the unfaithful one.
Emotional manipulation: Narcissistic abusers can resort to manipulating other people's emotions to get their needs met. They may use guilt, pity, or fear to control the people in their lives.
Dependency: The abuser might limit a partner or child’s access to supportive people or resources. This could include convincing a partner to leave their job so they're financially dependent or other forms of taking control of finances or support networks. Sometimes though, the abuser will create conditions so that their partner financially or emotionally cares for all their needs as another method of control. This can leave survivors feeling as though they have no choice but to stay; either because they are financially dependent on the person or out of feelings of guilt or obligation to continue caring for the narcissistic person.
Impacts-
The effects of narcissistic abuse can be long-lasting and challenging to recover from. Survivors may experience some of the following:
Depression
Anxiety
PTSD
Difficulty trusting themselves or others
Struggling to form healthy future relationships
Blaming themselves for the other person’s behavior
Feelings of embarrassment or shame for staying with the person
The truth is that ending up in this kind of relationship can happen to anyone. Many of the people I’ve worked with who’ve found themselves in a relationship with a narcissist have been some of the most gifted, intelligent, strong people I’ve known. Narcissistic abusers can seem very charismatic, fun and exciting people at first and the dynamic can shift so gradually that people don’t always realize what’s going on until the relationship is too deep to make leaving an easy matter. It's almost like the lobster in the pot, you don’t realize the water’s boiling until it's too late. When you add in the narcissistic behaviors that cause a person to doubt themselves or think they’re responsible for the abuse its easy to understand why someone might stay with a narcissist long term.
Bouncing back after experiencing this kind of relationship whether it was a partner, a parent a boss or a friend is hard work and you don’t have to do it alone. If you’re ready to start healing from experiencing narcissistic abuse reach out for a free 20 minute phone consult. And don’t forget to subscribe below for more free tips and information on trauma recovery and parenting support.