Why Are the Holidays So Stinkin’ Stressful and How to Cope
Maybe you experience this every time the holidays roll around:
You want that joyful, togetherness feeling with your family, but it somehow always falls apart.
You feel pressured to see family even though you know spending time with them triggers something in you.
You feel like you’re grasping for something with family members only to find they don’t have it to give.
The holidays can be such a magical, joyous time of bonding, celebrating and fond traditions. However, for those who’ve gone through stressful experiences with family it can feel burdensome, hurtful and an incredible let down time after time. For some the holidays can even be a major trigger, leading to arguments with partners, snapping at the kids or just completely withdrawing from life. Read on to learn more about why we can feel so much pressure during the holidays and three tips to give yourself some space.
Why Do The Holidays Seem To Bring Out My Worst?
Holidays are all about family bonding. Watch any holiday commercial and you’ll see the cultural expectation that we’ll spend time with others and make special memories with them, even if we don’t always get along. For people who have experienced trauma at the hands of a family member, or had family react negatively when sharing a traumatic experience it makes perfectly logical sense why the holidays with all this pressure around family togetherness is hard. Of course being around these people would trigger some big feelings. For so many others the difficulties in a family might be more subtle, but the impacts that they have can be exactly the same as a trauma- for more on what exactly is trauma see this post: What Are We Talking About When We Talk About Trauma.
If you’re finding yourself feeling overly stressed, irritable or emotionally vulnerable this time of year you might ask yourself these questions:
What were the holidays like for me/my family growing up?
Was everything expected to be perfect in my family?
Did I grow up with a family member who could be harsh or critical?
Was there chaos of some kind while I was growing up?
Did I feel comfortable being myself around family as a kid?
If any of these challenging circumstances ring a bell, know that these conditions can have a lasting impact. Even though you’re all grown up now with children of your own, being around these same people, in the same environment with all the expectations around the holidays can send our minds and even our bodies back to that same place we were as kids- just like a trauma survivor can become re-triggered by being in a similar environment where the trauma happened. Here’s three things you can you try to help mitigate how the holiday’s impact on you:
1: Just say no:
We can feel obligated to participate in every holiday plan, event and activity but if it's too overwhelming you don’t have to! If you do have toxic family members in your life they might try to make you feel guilty for turning down an invitation. But really its okay! It is not your job to manage their emotions for them. It is however, your job to manage your own emotions so you can show up for the people in your life you actually need to be there for. If saying yes to a family gathering means that you’ll stretch yourself too thin, then the cycle of snapping at others, needing to withdraw and feeling hopeless about your family will just continue. Maybe next year you’ll feel differently and can say yes without opening yourself up to being triggered.
2: Tend to your own needs:
Sticking to healthy routines can be really tough during the holidays. But things like regular exercise, meditation, good sleep or spiritual practices are all proven ways to keep stress levels more even during the holidays.
Something else that can get in the way is the mountains of sugar and buckets of booze that can go along with celebrations. Of course it can be fun to indulge and celebrate by enjoy some dessert or a drink. It’s also easy to accidentally over-indulge as a way of coping with family stress. You might already know from experience that certain foods and drinks make it harder in the long-term to deal with the feelings that come up this time of year. Set limits that you know work well for you around food and substances and stick to those more healthy habits as much as possible.
3: Name it, breathe into it:
One proven method for managing difficult emotions is to name them and then make space for them. If you notice your body tensing, your breathing change or some painful thoughts coming up, take a moment to pause and follow these steps:
Say to yourself “Aha this is sadness, or anxiety or guilt”
Remind yourself this feeling is here for a reason- more on that here
Instead of fighting it or pushing it away, acknowledge it
Mindfully observe the feeling while reminding yourself that feelings don’t last forever
With this you are noticing what’s there almost like a curious scientist. You’re just observing what it’s like to have that emotion come up and then naturally fade away. When we drop the struggle the impact of emotions can lose their intensity.
For those dealing with family stress, whether its problems from the past, or stuff still happening today, the holidays can feel extra stressful. If you’re ready to get support to overcome the stress and have a more peaceful and joyous holiday season next year why not start today.