Why The Frick Isn’t the Sticker Chart Working: Three Steps to Getting Kids to Cooperate

We’ve all heard the advice: If you want your kids to do more of something just reward them for it, and if you want them to stop doing something figure out what you’d like them to do instead, then ignore the behaviors you don’t want and reward the behavior you want to see more of. So many therapists, pediatricians, teachers and others have given this well-meaning advice to parents, myself included.

It’s so simple sounding, just set up a chart of some kind; your child earns a sticker to put on the chart for the good behavior, and after so many stickers you give them a reward of some kind. It can work great, except for when it doesn’t. Maybe you’ve tried sticker charts with your kids, and like me found these results:

• It works for a few days but then your kid just stops caring.

• Your child’s trying but they fall apart if they don’t earn a sticker just one time.

• Maybe it’s you- it can be hard to be consistent with this method when life is so busy.

• Your kids seem to buy in to the reward system, but before you know it they’re yelling that they hate you and are ripping the sticker chart off the wall.

So why the frickity-frack isn’t the sticker chart working!?

The theory behind it is sound; we all like to get rewarded and are more likely to repeat behavior that comes with a reward. Its Behaviorism 101, and for some kids and some situations it really does work great. It was wonderful when potty training my daughter, and it has never worked since.

Here’s why: It worked then because we potty trained when she was clearly biologically and mentally ready for it, we followed her lead. She wanted to do it, had the skills for it and the sticker was just the icing on the cake NOT the reason she did it. She likely would have potty trained just as smoothly without the reinforcement of the stickers.

For many kids sticker charts just don’t work because it does nothing to resolve the underlying difficulties that might be getting in the way of your child’s ability to behave in the ways you’d prefer. This is especially true for differently wired kids; children and adolescents who might be anxious, have ADHD or other executive functioning/learning differences, kids on the spectrum, highly sensitive or gifted children. If a child struggles to keep their room clean a sticker chart isn’t going to suddenly help them learn how to start a task or how to organize and sustain attention on something they’d rather not do, especially if these things are hard for them. In fact the sticker chart can serve as a further reminder that they are not meeting your expectations which can cause a child feelings of shame, believing that they can’t measure up. They would love to earn that sticker, but they just can’t, so that leaves them the options of either ignoring it or acting out in an attempt to get your support and attention. So while all the sticker chart advice makes logical sense and is based in good theory, the reality is that it doesn’t solve the underlying problems.

Three Steps to Cooperation Without a Reward System

These steps come from Ross Greene’s collaborative and proactive problem solving model. It's not a quick or simple solution like the sticker chart, but for our kids who don’t respond well to reward systems it is so much more effective. Here’s three steps to get you started on trying out the model:

Step 1: Define the problem- as your child sees it

Learn what’s getting in the way with conversations that help you connect with your child. Many times we as parents think we understand the problem, but the reality is that if you haven’t taken the time to really ask and listen, we only understand the problem from our own perspective. Though we know our children well, we might have made a mistake in our perception. So ask open-ended questions, genuinely let go of your assumptions about their behavior and your agenda that they change. You might need to do a bit of digging and ask follow-up questions; some kids might be reluctant to share if this kind of deep listening is new in your home. But deep down all kids crave this kind of understanding and attention from their caregivers. This time of connection takes longer, but will be so much more rewarding to them than any sticker.

A great place to start is with non-judgmentally stating that you’ve noticed the problem, and then inviting the child to share more. Something like “I’ve noticed you’ve had a hard time keeping your room clean. Can you tell more more about what’s going on?” You’re trying to get a good understanding about what is hard for them with the issue. Something to keep in mind is wait until everyone is feeling calm to have these conversations so the big emotions don’t get in the way of being productive. This question really can work for kids of all ages, you just might need to adjust your expectations with less verbal kids. For kids who better express themselves in ways other than words you can ask them to draw or even act out how they feel about the situation.

Step 2: Validate, Validate, Validate

Tell them you understand why they might feel a certain way, or why the expected behavior is hard for them given what they’ve shared with you. Rephrase what you heard to make sure you understood their perspective. Focus all your attention on connecting in that moment. As stated in the seminal parenting book Positive Discipline “connection before correction” Attuned interactions with caregivers is everything to kids and they are much more likely to follow through with your expectations if they feel seen and heard first. It makes sense, I’m also much more likely to do something for someone in my family after I’ve had a positive interaction with them.

Step 3: Collaborative Problem Solving

After you’ve gotten a good understanding of why this is hard for your child and they know you understand and respect their point of view you’ve laid the foundation to try to help the behavior change. Now you can summarize what they told you, share your need regarding the difficulty, then inviting problem solving. You might say something like “I totally understand why you hate cleaning your room, you find it overwhelming and don’t know where to start, I wouldn’t like that either. My concern is that I might trip over something when I need to go in your room and I don’t want to get hurt. Is there a way we can make tidying your room feel more manageable so that I won’t get hurt while I’m in there?”

Your child is invited to start the brainstorming process, but everyone involved can contribute. The key is that the solution needs to be something everyone can agree on. If there isn’t a solution everyone agrees on today its okay to suggest talking about it again later. It's also okay to decide to come back to it if the discussion becomes too heated, or if the solution everyone agreed on ends up not working out.

As you can see this is a more involved process than the sticker chart, but has so many worthwhile long-term benefits it’s worth sticking with. There’s no such thing as a magic solution for any parent, but if you keep finding that the typical parenting advice just doesn’t work for your family give these three steps a try, it just might get you closer to where you want to be.

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