The Age of Anxious Parenting
Have you ever gotten the sense that raising your children is harder for you than it was for your own parents? Maybe you’ve noticed yourself feeling more stressed, more exhausted and asking yourself more questions about whether you’re doing this right in ways that previous generations haven’t. Being a parent has never been a cake walk, but we seem to be living in an age of anxious parenting.
How We Were Raised vs. How Our Children Are Being Raised:
Most of us who are parenting kids under 18 grew up in the 70s-00s. During these years parents were significantly less involved in their children’s day to day lives, we were the era of latch-key kids. If your household was anything like mine, you came home from school to an empty house and maybe even got yourself ready for school and off to the bus while your parents were at work already. You might have played for hours outside without adult supervision and I’m pretty sure I can count on one hand the number of times my parents asked if I had homework or how I did on a test. Unlike many kids today, I rarely had any extra curricular activities I did that were outside of regular school hours.
Compare that to my life as a parent where not only is someone always home when my kid gets home from school, but she has to get picked up because there’s no bus available to her school. I’m expected to check an on-line parent portal daily to look over her grades/assignment completion/new homework and help her make a plan for completing homework every day. This time of year its too dark to go outside and play with friends once all of that is done. And in spite of being adamant that I would not allow my child to be over loaded with extra curricular activities my husband and I are constantly driving her to violin lessons and rehearsals, extra tutoring and extra school meetings and events. I don’t think I’m in the minority here on how much work I seem to be putting in compared to parents of the past. And I only have one!
What it all boils down to is that parents are expected to be way more involved and the expectations for both parents and kids are higher than ever. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, nor is the way we were raised bad all the time, it’s just different. That difference is enough to ratchet up any parent’s stress level AND we also have a few other factors that have heightened parent’s anxiety including the following:
Technology:
Not only do we have to manage our kid’s school, social and extra curricular activities we have to manage their digital lives as well. We have to think through the impact of social media on their mental health, the role of screens on developing brains and managing conflict over screen-time limits can result in a lot of domestic drama. It’s such a challenge to try to balance wanting our children to have access to technology that will set them up for future success and help them related to their peers, but also won’t impact them in a negative way. The advice always seems to be changing and navigating this world can bring an extra layer of anxiety.
Information Overload:
When parents of the past faced a challenge and felt unsure of what the best thing for their child might be they’d ask their pediatrician, their own parents or a friend. Maybe there might be a book at the library or book store on the topic to check out. Now with the internet we are bombarded with parenting advice around every eventuality imaginable. When it comes to everything about how much screen time is healthy to wondering if it’s normal that a child still picks their nose there’s hundreds of blog posts, videos, podcasts and social media posts on the topic, most with contradicting advice. It can be impossible to feel like you’ve made the right decision to best support your kids and that not knowing brings a lot of anxiety and pressure to feel like you’re parenting “right.” However, the reality is that the right answer is different for every child and every family which can’t be summed up in a short video or blog post from someone who’s never met you or your family.
Economic Pressure:
For many households the days of one parent working and one parent staying home to focus on raising children are long gone. Yet the cost of childcare is more expensive in my region than many family’s housing costs. And in an era of extra curricular activities or extra academic or mental health supports being expected the costs of those extras are out of reach for many families. Other resources that would make life more doable for working families like help around the house or meal prep are only available to a lucky few. So many parents feel more financially stressed which makes the prospect of raising children more anxiety provoking than ever.
Lack of Support:
In traditional hunter-gatherer societies many members of the tribe provide care to infants. With up to ten people providing care and the mothers providing only 57% of the care. The cliche that it takes a village to raise a child is true for a reason, but many Western societies don’t have their village anymore. These days you can consider yourself lucky if you have a co-parent and maybe grandparents or another family member living near by to help out. So as you’ve seen previously we are expecting so much more of parents, but the resources to do that in either financial or people power are fewer and farther between.
What this all means:
As you can imagine trying to do more with less is taking a toll. In a recent survey parents report all time high burnout rates. With 75% of parents reporting signs of burnout or saying they sometimes regret becoming a parent. All of this chronic stress can result in difficulties with anxiety, depression or use of substances to cope. Many parents dealing with burnout might find that they:
Always feel on edge
Have a hard time relaxing
Have no energy
Doubt their parenting abilities
Constantly worry about their children’s future
Feel disconnected
And its taboo to talk about this stuff so many parents keep these struggles inside and even feel guilty about the fact they’re struggling.
What you can do:
If you’ve been feeling anxious about parenting you are not alone and its not your fault. Here’s some small, quick steps that many parents find helpful:
Set boundaries around technology:
For your kids yes, but for yourself too. Getting off social media is a research proven way to reduce anxiety- no more scrolling through pictures and videos of seemingly “perfect” families. Stop the endless on-line loop of parenting advice that may not be a good fit for how you parent or what your children actually need.
Prioritize self-care:
I get it, time is a precious resource, especially for working parents. But the saying that you can’t fill from an empty cup is true. Find a way to do something that gets you out of the house, away from your job and has nothing to do with your identity as a parent. It could be as simple as a quick walk during a lunch break, a weekly coffee date with a friend or a few minutes of mindful breathing after the kids are in bed.
Build a Support Network:
This one might take some time, but remember we are not designed to raise our children alone. Think of just one person in your life who might be willing to help out and start there. Can you ask them to provide child care even for an hour so you can shower, sit down for a meal or maybe have a night out. As this gets more comfortable maybe see if there’s others who might be able to help. It can be nerve wracking at first, especially for parents I work with who are trauma survivors, but you might be surprised at who’s trustworthy and willing to support you if you just ask.
I know making changes is easier said than done. If you want to talk more about parental anxiety or feel like you could use some more support feel free to reach out below.